Probably completely wrong in these politically correct times but a colleague and I were lamenting the apparent disappearance of the 'local nutter' from our streets. Back in the 70s and 80s there seemed so many but now you can go months without seeing one and even then it's usually some drunk dosser who restricts themselves to the odd "Feh!" as you pass.

So, todays topic from the mind of Von is: What local nutters can you remember as a kid ? Spectacularly odd or mostly harmless ? What did they do to get themselves ingrained into memory ?

A few to start with: My home town was relatively free of the totally barking barring an elderly tramp who used to occupy one of the sea front shelters and who on a random basis would scream "GLLLLEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" at passersby. However, on moving to the big city (Bristol) in the mid 70s I soon discovered a whole plethora of them. There was 'Stan the Man', a Jimmy Saville lookalike who would rollerskate around the city centre wearing nothing but satin underpants (or on cold days a skin tight T-shirt as well). Jackboot man who like Stan had a tendency to go around in a state of undress but wearing leather underpants and a pair of jackboots.

Then there were the stranger ones, Mr Pfffish, an elderly chap who lurked in the main shopping area and when some unsuspecting soul passed by would hook their ankles with his walking stick shouting "PFFFISH!" at the top of his voice. On some days he would be there at the same time as 'The Bride of Christ', a woman in her fifties who wore a wedding dress and spent her time reading loudly from the bible or telling people they were damned. She is still around, in her late sixties I should say and still wearing the same wedding dress.

However, the most spectacular was 'Mrs Beige', who always wore the same
beige suit and would look at you and say "Whenever I see you, you're always wearing the same thing!". But it didn't stop there as one day as I was leaving the house she was by the gate and stopped me with:

"They're coming to get us you know!"
"Eh ?" says I thinking 'Uh oh alien paranoia!'
"Them! Sneaky yellow bastards!"
"Y'what ?"
"They're tunnelling underneath us now. The Chinese! Billions of them, like ants they are. Armed to the teeth too!"
"What ? It's a long way from China. They would get a bit singed near the earths core!"
"Asbestos long johns, they're going to pop out in their little blue suits and take us over. Tunnelling they are. Right now, they might be ready to jump out on us and rape us all. But I'm ready for them!" At this point she pulls a butter knife from her pocket which to be fair might have done some damage given enough time and possibly the non-intervention of the rest of the billions of Chinese who were about to emerge in a warlike frenzy. Unable to stop laughing any more I made a hasty run for it leaving her to defend the UK to the last. Oddly enough she vanished soon after. For years I thought maybe she had been kidnapped to silence her in case she revealed any more of the Fu Manchu-like evil plot to world safety. In the end I found out from a friend who worked for social services that she had been sectioned for everyone elses safety after a fracas at the local Chinese takeaway.

LOL @ von

Now that you mention it YES, they have dissappeared whether the mad bloke who used to talk to every bus driver or a local guy wandering about with the odd 'turrets esq' snap at people

usually called brian for some reason :blink: and most people new them to talk to by name

There used to be a guy around where I lived called 'Derek Denthead' (aptly named due to some cranial distortion that was rumoured to have been created by an axe). He'd always try and chase us (presumably in order to deck the shit out of us), but never actually succeeded.

He disappeared somewhere, probably dead or in prison.

Oh and there was this decrepid old woman who used to hang around town, that used to physically jump in front of you by some freak supernatural power and whack you off your bike/make you fall over on your skates whenever you went past. She was basically bald and had some weird yellow paint on the back of her jacket. Unsure what happened to her, though probably returned to her supervillain HQ.

We have a Harry Handbag and a Handbag Harry.

They both wander round town all day carrying a satchel on their shoulder.

Oh and a would be drunk who sits in the street drinking shandy bass acting drunk.

We used to have an old guy called Tommy who had a part time job delivering leaflets around the estate. You soon learned to cross the street to avoid him as if he cornered you and started talking to you he'd go on for ages about people you'd never heard of, or who possibly didn't even exist.

Happy days... You'd think there would be more of them about now with care in the community wouldn't you?

We now have a confirmed sighting of a current local nutter. Stan. Not to be confused with Stan the Man though. Mrs Von told me about this one. When Mrs V was running the pet shop down the road he used to come in pushing a shopping trolley (one of the ones old people use, not the sort you push round Asda) covered with badges. Not particularly barking in itself...except he was dressed as a cowboy and would always buy one tin of dog food, just one tin, no more, no less despite the fact he did not own a dog and then engage in bizarre conversations about his health as Mrs V and her assistant attempted to get him to leave the shop as he was worrying the other customers.

This morning on the way to work and running a bit late I actually saw him wandering down the road with his trolley and dressed like a refugee from a John Wayne film. Not only that he...spoke to me...

"I've got asthma you know!" as he took a huge drag on one of BATs finest cancer sticks and proceeded to regale me how his lungs were shot and apologise for gobbing large lumps of phlegm onto the pavement..."Because I've got bad lungs you see. Been to hospital with them!". He followed me down the road for ten minutes and all I could hear was "It's my lungs....HHHAAAAWWWWWCCCH-THPT!
They're bad... HHHAAAAWWWWWCCCHHHH! Just going to the shops *COUGH* HAAAWWWWWWCCCH-THBBBBT!"

Gross and strange all in one package.

LMGDAO :D :D :D theres always a 'stan the man' TOO

shocking :o :o :o

We used to have a similar person....dunno what's happened to her now.

Everyone used to call her Betty Binbags....for the obvious reason. She would always carry a binbag with her.....probably wherever she went.

Every time me and a couple of mates were out, she would always be at the bus stop with a large bin-bag. :huh:

No-one ever asked her why she carried a bin-bag rather than a hand-bag because everyone was probably scared of her! :o

Spikey B)

I think it is written down in an official document somewhere (probably the Magna Carta) that every city, town and village shall have a character who is known as Stan the Man.

A couple more that I have remembered. One completely random mad female who emerged from nowhere whilst I was walking home past the docks one evening, stopped in front of me and screamed "WHERE'S THE CHEESE!" and "HAVE YOU GOT THE F****** CHEESE!" at me then proceeded to do the same to people behind me. I didn't have the cheese but she was plainly crackers :)

Then a colleague reminded me of the mad monk, a bloke who wandered around town dressed in a monks robes and an electric blue wig. I was in a record shop one day and he was standing next to me when I realised there was a pool of 'liquid' spreading from under his robes. The assistant who was filling racks was heard to mutter "Oh f***! Not again!" so I assume it must have been a regular occurence.

U fancy writing humorous stories for Retro Fusion - your stories make me nearly wet me pants :D :D :D :D :D